Just One of the Guys

O.k., time for me to bare my soul.

When I first went to China in the summer of 2000 to teach at an English camp for middle-schoolers, one of their assignments at the end of our six weeks together was to write an essay about their American teacher. Here are a few excerpts from my students' essays:

• "Jenn is tall and strong. She can remove a big desk and turn it over by herself. I'm sure if you see this you will be so surprised." Louisa
• "She is a active person. Sometimes she likes a girl. The smile always on her face. She also make us very happy. We studies with her feel happily. But sometimes I think she likes a boy. Because her very strong and tall." Angel
• "She's hair is golden, though it is not really. I think it's very beautiful. Because the girls always like making themselves more beautiful. She's eyes are blue. I like her eyes, too. Jenn is very tall, also very strong. Jack said if Jenn was angry, nobody could fight with she. It's only a joke, don't be angry with me, please." Gary
• "Jenn is very tall and strong, like a man, but she is very beautiful and always there is a smile on her face. . . . I think Jenn is good at P.E. and very strong. She is very brisk." Connie
• "She was very tall and strong. I think she was good at sport, maybe American football." Sophia

Obviously, there is a theme here...

At the time, I didn't mind these comments. And yet, more recently, I've become very sensitive and self-conscious about this because I've been criticized for being too strong and not feminine enough. So, as a result, I now avoid strength training of any kind in favor of cardio, I won't wear t-shirts out in public, I always put on a little make-up before going out, and I'm growing out my hair. Why? Honestly? To try to fit the image of what I think guys want in a girl. In reality, I know that this past experience relates to a solitary guy whose opinion is likely not universal, and yet these wounds run deep; even though I hate that I give them such power in my present life, they still influence so many of my decisions.

For many reasons, I feel like I'm often seen as "just one of the guys." In some ways, I love this: I love that I can keep up with the boys playing sports or climbing things or taking crazy dares... But on the other hand, it scares me to think that perhaps, because I'm "just one of the guys," I'm somehow not dateable. I want my future husband to be my best friend, and it's very important to me to be able to play together since quality time is my primary love language.

In certain regards, yes, I am more like one of the guys: I'm not that emotional and I rarely cry; I don't take offense easily and can pretty much handle whatever you have to tell me; and I prefer to bond while doing something together rather than just talking. But there are many things about guys I still just don't get, like why they fart so much, or why they all seem to want motorcycles, or why they think violence is fun.

Even though I may seem strong and independent, I still feel weak a lot of the time, and I long for a man who will protect me. And I want to be the soft, gentle, encouraging, nurturing woman who makes my man feel that much stronger. I guess what I'm saying is that I am complex, and I hope and pray that I will be understood and cherished for my many unique characteristics rather than made to feel ashamed of who God made me. That's all.