Enough Already!

It’s Thursday, February 17, the day after my birthday. When I arrive at Fleet Feet for my training run, I get out of the car and smell hot metal. It’s a familiar smell to me, and very troubling, because the last time I smelled this I ended up having to spend more than $1000 for brake pads, a caliper, a bearing, etc.… I tell Derek about it later that night, and we agree that we can’t take my car on our trip home for the weekend as planned. The following week, I take the car in to have it checked out. They find that I have no brake pads left, which explains the metal-on-metal smell but not why the new pads I’d gotten a year-and-a-half earlier would be gone already. After they replace those, they discover that, once again, my caliper (though probably the one on the other wheel) is sticking and needs to be replaced. I get my car back on Thursday, February 24. It kind of stinks that we have to use $717.60 for car repairs that we were planning to put on a credit card, but it’s not the end of the world.

A few hours later, I get a call from Derek. He’s been in a car accident. He’s o.k., but he can’t tell me more yet because he has to go talk to the police officer who arrived at the scene a few minutes after the crash. Later I learn that a woman in an oncoming car ran a red light and hit the front end of Derek’s car. Again, he’s fine, and the car doesn’t look too bad, but I’m freaking out because we just spent all that money on my car and I know how expensive collision repairs can be. He takes Friday off work to figure things out with his car and our insurance, and we receive some good news: the estimate for his repairs are only $780.10, much less than the $2500 estimate I received when I hit a guard rail a year or two ago. Still, it’s a lot of money, but nothing we can’t handle. It’ll just push our get-out-of-debt plan back a month.

On Saturday, February 19, I take my computer to a repair guy I’ve worked with before to find out what’s wrong with my DVD drive. It hasn’t been working for a while, not recognizing any discs I put in, and when I bought and tried a new drive that didn’t work either. So I’m hopeful that Matt at Midwest Protech can help. When I arrive, he opens up my computer and it won’t start up. It says there’s a problem with the hard drive and it starts trying to repair itself. Of course, that can also make it destroy what’s left of the hard drive, so he stops it. He tries a few things and concludes that my hard drive has died. Thirty minutes earlier, the computer was working fine for me, apart from the DVD drive, so I’m kind of in shock. Fabulous, another unexpected expense. I manage to hold the tears in until I get back to my car, at which point I start bawling. I call Derek, and we decide that I need to go computer shopping. Sure, I could use his computer for work for a while, but his machine is also four years old and not sounding very good. Fortunately, I find a great sale price on a new laptop and pick it up later that night. On Sunday, I drive it out to Matt, along with a new external hard drive, so that he can move everything from the old computer onto both the new machine and the backup hard drive. It costs $531.94 for the new computer and hard drive, plus $117.52 for Matt’s services, plus $79.95 for MS Office (since we couldn’t get that off the old computer for some reason and I can’t find my original install disc), for a grand total of $729.41. What’s up with all the $700 emergencies? But they come in three’s, right? So we should be done now.

Fortunately, once I get the new computer back with its working DVD drive, I can finally install TurboTax and get started on our 2009 return (the very thing that prompted all of this in the first place). On Tuesday, March 1, I quickly input all the data and discover that, rather than receiving a $1000+ refund like we did last year and were counting on again, we actually OWE $1019 for federal and state taxes. What?!? I still need to check all the figures, but I’m pretty sure it’s right. See, Derek changed his W-2 to “married” after we got married, so apparently they haven’t been taking out as much as the previous year or as much as they should have been. Yeah, this is all starting to get pretty old right about now. I ponder 1 Cor. 4:8-9 – “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” It does bring a bit of comfort, because I know that God has always and will always provide for us. But it doesn’t make it any more fun.

And finally – for now… – I take my cat to the vet yesterday, Wednesday March 2, to find out why she’s not eating well and throwing up more. We suspect her kidneys are failing, but that wasn’t entirely clear from her last batch of tests a few months ago. I wonder if perhaps she has more tooth decay, making it painful for her to chew. Well, the vet sees a little redness in her mouth, but doesn’t think it’d be bad enough to make it hard for her to chew. She suggests we run the blood and urine tests again, as well as take a couple of x-rays. I reluctantly agree, as this all costs $286.02, which we obviously don’t have at the moment, but I have to take care of my baby and find out what’s wrong. The blood tests show that certain levels that indicate kidney failure are a little higher than last time, but they’re still not terrible. The x-ray, on the other hand, reveals a mass in her chest, near her lymph nodes, which is most likely lymphoma (cancer). In order to find out for sure, we’d have to pay another $300 for an ultrasound, but we don’t see much sense in that since we wouldn’t pursue chemotherapy anyway. I’m actually really glad we paid for the x-rays, though, because at least now I know that there IS something wrong with her and that we can’t really do anything about it. So we’ll just wait till she stops eating, or starts coughing or throwing up more, or in any other way appears to be uncomfortable or in pain, and then we’ll say goodbye. It won’t be easy, but she’s had a good long life. She’s been with me through it all, and I’ve enjoyed her immensely over the last 12 years. For now, I’m just going to make the most of the time we have left and pray for peace for us both as her time comes to a close.

So… yeah. We were thinking we’d have all the credit cards paid off by this summer, but $3500+ of unexpected expenses in the matter of a week will likely push that back to the fall. Still, we’re o.k. We’ll make it, it’ll just take a little longer. Plus, we get some more practice in trusting God, which is always good, and we’ve been blessed immensely by the love and generosity of our dear brothers and sisters in Christ who have come alongside to support us through all of this. God is indeed good, all the time.

Why I Love Derek

1. Derek is a strong spiritual leader. Sure, he's had his moments of doubting and running from God - who among us hasn't? - but he loves the Lord and it shows. In our relationship, he takes the initiative in prayer and studying the Word, and he encourages me to pursue God wholeheartedly and grow in my own walk with Him.
2. Derek sees the good in me, even the good that's not quite realized yet, and he wants to be a part of bringing it to be in me. Likewise, he allows me to draw out of him the goodness he can't always see. I love that we are both determined to encourage each other, and that we are both more confident as a result.
3. Derek and I share a lot of common interests and passions (e.g. God, singing, biking...), but he also cares about countless other things simply because I care about them. For example, he loves on my cat, he supports me in my athletic endeavors, and he encourages me to rediscover my artistic outlets.
4. Derek's primary love language is also quality time (although he is quite skilled at communicating love in multiple ways). I love that he always wants to be with me, and I never feel like I'm bothering him when I want to spend time with him. Every moment we spend together is better simply because we're together.
5. Derek is very in touch with his emotions. I love that he feels deeply, and that he understands and shares whatever is on his heart or mind. I tend to be pretty logical most of the time, but Derek draws out my emotional side as well. We complement each other well, I think.
6. Derek is an excellent communicator. I've known for awhile how important this quality is to me, but Derek surpasses every hope I ever had in this regard. In fact, I used to think I was a good communicator, but I pale in comparison! He's not afraid to bring up difficult but important issues, or even if he is afraid he discusses them anyway because he recognizes the importance of working through things immediately. And once something has been resolved, he forgets about it.
7. Derek is aggressive; he knows what he wants and he actively and passionately pursues it. Spiritually, emotionally, physically... he is strong. I've spent so much time trying to be strong that I love how he is able to make me feel weak too.
8. Derek is also extraordinarily affectionate. I warned him early on that I'm not, but perhaps that wasn't quite accurate. He brings out such a tender side of me that has been dormant far too long. I still sometimes worry about how others will react to his/our affection, but I never want him to deny that part of who he is.
9. Derek isn't always practical. I'm a pretty practical person, but I definitely love it when he does some impractical things. For example, he wouldn't even hesitate to drive down from Columbus even if it was to spend just a few hours with me. And he's already bought me flowers on several occasions; sure, flowers cost a lot and just die in the end, but they're so pretty in the meantime! Plus, they just show me how much he thinks of me, which I suppose is worth far more than the money he spent on them in the first place.
10. Derek is perhaps the most committed person I've ever met. And I love that, because I'm the same way. It's rather strange, actually, how quickly this has all happened, and yet I trust him with everything that I am and I so look forward to a lifetime of learning additional reasons and ways to love him.

Marathoning

Well, it's just about here: race weekend. That's right, this Sunday, I'll be running my first (and last?) marathon, the Flying Pig. I've been training for it since January, and I was feeling pretty well prepared after making it through our 20-mile run a month ago. Then began the taper... Although, for me it was more than a taper really. I took some time off from running because my feet were hurting pretty bad, and because of a backpacking trip. The next run I did was an 8-miler, and it was rough. It was just sort of like my body had forgotten how to run! Now I'm worried, with only 2 more very short runs before the race. I'm sure I'll make it through, because I know sheer determination can carry me when I've got nothing left in me, but I'm expecting it to be slower and more painful than I'd originally planned. We'll see, though! (From the link above you can see the course map and other details, and even track my progress during the race if you're so inclined; my number is 3559.)

So, by now you all know that I'm pretty active: always training for something, or at least on the go from one activity to another. Which is fun! But I'm not so good at resting... And I've been thinking about this a bit lately, particularly as it pertains to my spiritual life. I love how the Bible describes the Christian walk as a race or a fight: it's not at all the passive thing we often allow it to become. BUT, I think we also have to actively pursue quiet times with our Father. It may seem a contradiction, but I know for me it's true: if I don't intentionally set aside time to quiet my mind and just be still with my God, to simply enjoy his presence or listen for his voice, I'll quickly fill my every moment doing something else instead. And even though those things are usually very good things - either good for me physically or emotionally, or even serving God - they can never replace simply being with him.

This life is not a sprint; it's a marathon. And if there's one thing I've been learning through all my training, it's that the beginning matters very little. What's more important is keeping a consistent pace and finishing strong. To be honest, I'm not even sure why I'm attempting a marathon since I don't really like running, but for some reason I got it in my mind that I should do one, and so here I am. But just as I now have this vision of crossing that finish line and receiving my medal to get me through, I know that I need a similar focus to sustain and inspire me spiritually as well. And we see a picture of that in Hebrews 12:1-3:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus... Yes. And I'm so thankful for the encouragement I've been receiving recently from an amazing new friend who challenges my priorities and steers me back on course toward the finish line that I know is really most important. :-)

Going Through the Motions

Matthew West's The Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

Take me all the way (take me all the way)
Take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Yep. I wrote once about regret and how I try to take every opportunity that comes my way so that I'll have nothing to regret. I have an exciting and active life, partially as a result of this I think, but I'm realizing that regret can come just as easily from not savoring quiet times as from missing certain adventures. When it's all said and done, the life I lead on this earth will only be a speck on the timeline of eternity. So how effectively am I using my time here to get ready for all that lies ahead?

I'm tired of just going through the motions. I miss the passion that once burned in my heart for God. I wonder how different my life would look if I really gave Him everything. I pray today that He would bring me back and take me all the way.

Realization

A month or so ago, I filled out the eHarmony personality profile thing, and now they keep sending me all these matches, guys they think I'm compatible with. But of the 200+ guys they've shown me, I've only found maybe 20 that sound interesting. Even then, though, I can't really respond to any of their communication requests without paying, and I just don't have the money for that right now. Plus, I'm also really skeptical about meeting people online, (although I do have a friend who just married a guy she met on eHarmony). They did have a free communication weekend at the beginning of January, and from that I actually started emailing one guy a bit. He sounded very nice, and smart, and we seemed to have a lot in common, but then he sent me his picture... And I can't say that I'm particularly attracted to him. Maybe I'm shallow, I don't know, or maybe I'm just coming to a realization: I think I'm more attracted to Asian guys these days. I guess it makes sense since most of my friends are Asian, but I was still a little surprised to realize this about myself. Unfortunately, I'm afraid this might limit me even more: even if I were to find a single, young-ish, tall-ish, Asian guy who loved God, had some musical ability and were as active as I am, I'm doubtful that he'd want to date a white girl. Hmm. Guess this'll be another lesson in trusting God.

17 Things

A friend of mine recently published a list of 17 random facts about herself on her blog, and invited others to do the same. So here are a few things you might not know about me...

1. I generally prefer to read non-fiction than fiction. Sometimes Christian living books, sometimes linguistics books, most recently triathlon training books.
2. I rarely drink hot beverages. I don't like coffee or tea, but even hot chocolate doesn't tempt me much: I tend to drink it too quickly and end up burning my tongue every time.
3. As nice as back and shoulder massages are, I would almost always prefer a calf massage.
4. I really want to adopt, maybe from China. I'd be open to having my own child as well, but I don't really feel the need to actually birth a baby myself.
5. I like my feet. I think they're cute.
6. I have scoliosis and had to wear a back brace from fourth through eighth grades. I had great posture at the time, but it only shows now when I sit to play piano.
7. I seem to develop crushes easily, and apparently always have to like someone. So, if you're a guy, and you're my friend, and you're single, be careful. I'm just sayin'...
8. I can't remember the last time I cried.
9. I generally always prefer veggies to meat, but I only like meat on my pizza, no veggies, except maybe tomatoes.
10. I've never been to Chicago, even though it's the closest big city. Guess I always choose to go to the mountains instead when I have some time (and money) to get away.
11. It's been at least 25 years since I've thrown up.
12. I seem to feel colder more often now than I did before living in Harbin, China. Crazy: I thought nothing would feel cold after the persistently sub-zero temperatures there.
13. Noises bother me, especially loud ones. Like lots of kids screaming, or concerts, or beeping machines that other people don't even notice...
14. I think I've changed exactly one diaper in my entire 30 years.
15. I love traditions, especially around the holidays. I'm also excited to start some traditions of my own once I have a family, like running on Thanksgiving morning.
16. I've never gotten into the habit of flossing every day. That's one of my New Year's resolutions.
17. Ironically, 17 is my favorite number. I have no idea why, but I do like that it's prime.

Wanna play? Post a list of 17 random facts on your blog or facebook page, or send me a good old-fashioned email!

Pursuit

I have recently come to the conclusion that one of the qualities I find most attractive in a guy is the willingness to pursue his girl.

Maybe it's just me: Maybe I'm overly insecure and need the affirmation. Maybe I don't know what I want and am easily persuaded. Maybe I'm desperate...

But I don't think so.

In fact, I have several very good girlfriends who weren't particularly interested in their now-husbands or boyfriends, but who were won over by their wooing. And I'm probably no different.

I can't say for sure, because I've rarely been pursued in my 30 years, but I'm thinking that I could easily fall for a guy who puts himself out there, who isn't afraid to make the first move, who pursues me. Guess we'll have to wait and see about that, though. That is, if I can guard my heart and be patient enough to not make up mind prematurely...

Personality Test Fun

I like personality tests, and really all sorts of quizzes and questionnaires. So when I saw this one on a couple friends' blogs, of course I had to try it! I can't say I like all of their conclusions, particularly on the color grid, (explanations of the traits here), but I do think that the descriptions that follow are fairly accurate. Interesting... And if you'd like to play, too, check it out here!

Animated Director

About you:

As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.

You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.

By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.

When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.

Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.

Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.

When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.

You are open to new types of experiences – you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.

You have a highly developed sense of taste – you know what looks good on you, in your home, and in the world at large.

Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts.

You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

How you relate to others:

You are outgoing, comfortable with others, and up for anything, which makes you ANIMATED.

Some people find crowds and parties exhausting, but not you! You are able to be yourself in many situations.

Sometimes it is hard for you to understand why others feel the way they do, but that doesn't stop you from trusting them or having faith that they are good people.

You know the world is complicated and that there is often more than one side to a story, so you are careful not to make judgments about others too hastily.

You would rather experience the world than sit back and observe it—you are not one to sit on the sidelines.

You are an independent thinker and don't get too worried about how others might perceive you—you are not self-conscious about being the active, engaged person that you are.

Although you have a keen understanding of different people's life circumstances, you occasionally have trouble seeing why people get so upset and emotional about things—they should just lighten up and have fun!

In addition to having faith in the world, you have faith in the people around you—you trust others to do the right thing and to be honest.

Interview Me

O.k., so my cool friend Kim did this blog interview thing, which sounded like fun. So let's play! Here are the rules:
01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
03. You will post the answers to the questions (and the questions themselves) on your blog or journal.
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. And so on and so on and so on.

And here are my answers to the questions Kim asked me:

1. If someone wanted to make a movie of your life, what would it be about and who would play you?
Uh, it'd probably be about my life, duh. Just kidding... But more specifically? I guess it'd be a drama, with an underlying theme of overcoming adversity. And who'd play me? Well, it's a toss up between Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Garner. What do you think?

2. What do you hope your next relationship will consist of?
Lots and lots of honesty, first and foremost. And spiritual intimacy as well as all the other varieties, like it'd be nice to serve in ministry together. And there should be plenty of action and adventure; for example, backpacking, triathloning, traveling, etc. Oh, and definitely unquestionable commitment, that'd be nice. :-)

3. What instruments do you play and what does it mean to you?
Piano, trumpet, percussion instruments (of the marching band variety), guitar, and a little bass most recently. I must admit that I don't really understand the second part of your question, but I'll answer as best I can... I began taking piano lessons when I was about 5 or 6, and music has been a huge part of my life ever since. When I moved away from home for college, I taught myself guitar because I no longer had a piano, and now worshiping in song is one of the ways I feel closest to God.

4. What three top things would you want to do before you die?
Travel. (Specific places I want to visit include Italy, Peru, Egypt, Cambodia, and more of China.) Get married (again and for good) and have a family (which I would like to include adopting a baby from China). And... I can't think of a third right now, sorry.

5. If you had to visit Michigan, what would you want to do?
You mean, if I GET to visit Michigan! I don't really know, though; I just want to see you! But fun fall-y things are nice, like maybe hiking? I don't know what there is to do up there, though, so I'll leave it to your discretion. :-)

Why?

Why do I like ETS and this job so much?
Why are my mentors so cool?
Why is Princeton so pretty?
Why is everything so close and convenient here?
Why do I enjoy the diversity so much?

Why haven’t I met many Christians here?
Why is the church not as warm and welcoming as CCC?
Why don’t I get to play guitar anymore?
Why is Princeton so expensive?
Why do all my co-workers feel stuck here?
Why are my friends and family so far away?

Why did I make up my mind before I came that I wouldn’t like it?
Why did I assume I wouldn’t stay even if I were offered a job?
And yet, why did I decide to wait to sign a new lease in Cincinnati?
Why do I feel like crying whenever I think about moving here?
And yet, why do I feel like it might be a really good opportunity?
Why do I choose what I want rather than what I think I should do?
And yet, why do I assume those two things are different?

Why can’t I have it all?

So basically what I’m saying is: I’d appreciate your prayers. :-)

First Impressions of Princeton

Irmgard (my new landlady/roommate):
sweet, sad, outgoing, helpful, lonely.

The house:
old, dark, a little dirty/cluttered, sufficient for the short-term.

The neighborhood:
very diverse, quiet, close to everything.

The Wagners (Lance's sister's family):
warm, welcoming... just plain awesome.

Being uncomfortable:
priceless.

Yeah, uncomfortable pretty much sums it up at this point. I know that's a good thing sometimes, though, and I'm trying to keep a positive attitude: it'll be a great chance to get some more reading and praying done without all the distractions I have in Cincy; I could use a lesson in living simply; and I think I can really be a blessing to Irmgard. But yeah, it might not be an easy summer, and I do appreciate your prayers...

Just Friends?

O.K., so let me just pose this question: Can guys and girls be just friends?

I think that it's possible but rare, because more often than not one of the people will end up wishing it were more. This brings me back to my old "time theory" as well: if you spend enough time with a person, you will probably end up liking them at some point. At least that's been my experience. Which makes sense, because if you like a person enough as a friend to want to spend so much time with them, it's only logical that it could develop into deeper feelings over time. Because the qualities you appreciate in a friend are generally the same qualities you would hope for in a mate. But, then again, maybe that's just me...

So yeah, I think that perhaps perusing your friends of the opposite sex is the most logical place to look for a potential mate. But that just gets tricky then, because if you're not looking for more than a good friendship, you really have to be very careful about how much time you're spending with these people and how much you share with them... Hmm.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts. What you do you think?

Virtual Intimacy

So I've got this new friend, Kim, who I've been chatting online with a bit lately. In fact, we've probably talked almost as much online as we have face to face since we've only met in person twice. Still, it's been cool getting to know her better through our online conversations, and I'm excited for her to come back to Cincinnati again so we can hang out some more.

What I find interesting about this whole scenario, though, is that it seems to be working, that we seem to be developing a real friendship through this virtual means. But why would that surprise me? Well, I think it's because I've been in similar situations where it was a lot more problematic. For example, I had one friend I talked to a lot on the phone, like for hours at a time, but then when we'd meet in person it just seemed weird, like suddenly the intimacy we'd developed on the phone was missing in person, if that makes sense. Then there was this other person I became "facebook friends" with after meeting once, and we IMed a lot over the course of several weeks. But again, when we met in person the next time, it was just awkward.

So this is one thing Kim and I were chatting about yesterday, this sort of "false intimacy" that seems to develop quite easily when getting to know someone through these modern modes of communication. She mentioned that there's sometimes a superficiality to such conversations, which I can definitely see, but my experience has more often been the opposite: I seem to be quite comfortable discussing topics online that I would never talk about in person with someone I only recently met. And I think this could get me into trouble, particularly when the person I'm chatting with is of the male variety. See, we have these really deep virtual conversations and I think that we're becoming really close, but then when we meet up in person, I realize that in reality we are acquaintances at best.

Problems have also arisen when I've tried to have a serious conversation online, even when it's with a good friend. For example, no matter how well I know a person, I think it's still much more likely for misunderstandings to occur when communicating online, because subtle messages or feelings often get lost without the aid of body language, facial expressions, or tone of voice. Apologies also seem to be particularly difficult because I never seem to know whether the issue has been resolved. Or if I bare my soul to someone online about an especially personal topic, the next time we get together I can't help but think, "Did we really have that conversation?" and the intimacy still seems to be less than what I would expect had we simply talked face to face.

Yeah. So, conclusions? Well, it seems to me that building friendships online may be fine, but it gets a lot trickier when it's a guy-girl thing. (But that gets into a whole nother discussion about whether or not guys and girls can be "just" friends...) Also, if it's a significant conversation of any sort, it's probably safest to just do it in person.

One Of Those Moments

So I had a great idea for a post today (just ask Kim, she'll tell you...), but it's going to have to wait because I'm just not feeling it right now. Why not? Well, 'cause I'm sitting out here in Christy's backyard waiting for the fire we built to die down. And we're laughing a lot because we were just trying to write a song for Lydia who was stuck inside writing a paper while we were enjoying the fire and watching several loitering deer (because for some reason I told her that's what we were doing when she took a break to visit us awhile back). So anyway, Christy's hilarious songs are cracking me up, and we were just having so much fun that I was (perhaps somewhat arrogantly) thinking, "if people could see us now, they couldn't help but fall in love with us!" Now, I've had these moments before, times when I really just like me and think others should too, but they don't happen often and I'm pretty sure others would actually just think I'm really strange if they saw me. Yeah, I just don't think it works the way that I wish it did. Pity...

(Incidentally, I'll get back to the other cool post I had planned maybe tomorrow, and another will follow at some point about some of the things that make me like me, as well as some of things I don't like so much...)

Frustrated

O.k., so I know that we all struggle with certain issues, right? Well, I've just been feeling particularly frustrated with myself lately and came back to these verses again:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. . . . I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. . . . So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! . . . Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Romans 7:15-8:2

It's one of my favorite and least favorite passages in the Bible: favorite because I realize that I'm not alone in my sin-struggles; least favorite because even though it ends well, I can just feel the tension as I read it, like I'm physically being pulled in two different directions. It makes me feel a little hopeless... Hmm. But if I read it more carefully, to the end, I remember that there is relief, rescue, freedom in Christ! And it's not referring to the freedom to go on sinning, but rather that through Christ we actually have the freedom to choose NOT to sin when we're confronted with it! That's some powerful stuff. I just wish I remembered to tap into that power more consistently...

Physical Stuff

Yeah, I hesitate to include these, 'cause if I hope to be loved for who I am inside rather than my appearance, I would hope I could offer the same. And yet, let's be honest, these things matter to an extent. So...

He should...

• Be taller than me.
• Have good teeth (i.e. straight, white).
• Be bigger/stronger than me. (I.e. not too skinny, though not too chunky either.)
• Want to try to look nice, but not be obsessed with his appearance.
• Have nice eyes and a smile that makes me melt.
• Not be very hairy, particularly in the chest/back regions.
• (I also tend to prefer dark hair and eyes, though that’s definitely not a hard and fast rule.)
• (Strong/toned arms and shoulders are sweet.)
• (Soccer-player legs, too.)

Interests, Etc.

He should...

• Love China. (Bonus points if he’s been there, but he should at least have the desire to visit/live/work there at some point in the future.)
• Like and want kids, and be willing to consider adoption, especially internationally.
• Be passionate about music, especially for worshiping. He should probably play at least one instrument, but at the very least must be able to carry a tune. (Bonus points if he can harmonize…)
• Prefer activity to inactivity. E.g. He would rather hike, or bike, or climb, or run, or… than watch T.V. or go out to eat.
• Enjoy being out in nature.
• Like to play like a kid (e.g. jumping in leaves, playing in the snow, climbing trees).
• Like to travel and enjoy photography, or at least be patient with me when I want to stop and take a lot of pictures.
• Like and fit in with my family, and I with his.
• Not be allergic to and at least tolerant of cats.
• Be willing to watch and maybe even enjoy chick flicks and musicals, from time to time.
• Not be obsessed with watching sports on T.V., playing video games, surfing online, etc.
• Enjoy board/card games.
• Be able or interested in learning how to dance (ballroom-type stuff).
• Like massages, both giving and receiving.

Personality Stuff

He should...

• Value communication and recognize its importance in sustaining any type of relationship. He should be willing to discuss even negative emotions/situations, however uncomfortable that may be.
• Be honest, open, and not deceptive.
• Come from a similar background/upbringing as me (e.g. family values, hometown characteristics, etc.).
• Be very intelligent, as well as educated.
• Be patient with me in my weaknesses and willing to help me become more Christ-like.
• Be encouraging. He should be excited to help me achieve goals that I have set for myself. He should be quick to praise me when I do well and be constructive and gentle with his criticism.
• Be funny/silly. He should be able to make me laugh and willing to laugh at himself.
• Be adventurous.
• Appreciate my quirkiness.
• Not be prone to skepticism/suspicion.
• Be wise with money, but not to an extreme (i.e. frugal, not cheap).
• Not be extremely introverted or extroverted, but rather somewhere in the middle.
• Be optimistic. He should assume the best about people rather than the worst.
• Be organized and enjoy planning.
• Also be spontaneous at times.
• Treasure traditions.
• Value eating healthy and exercising.
• Want to live... in a small city, somewhere with four seasons, where it snows and doesn’t get too hot, not too far from or too close to family, within driving distance to some mountains.

Spiritual Stuff

He should...

• Be passionate about God, actively pursuing that relationship above all else.
• Be passionate about missions, whether doing or supporting or educating...
• Desire/plan to be involved in some sort of ministry throughout his life.
• Have the desire and ability to be the spiritual leader in our relationship/family. Being in relationship with him should spur on my spiritual growth rather than distract me from God.
• Hold similar convictions as me about non-essential spiritual matters.
• Have career ambitions, but should value God and family more.

A Teammate

So where were we? Oh, yes...

The other day, I was having dinner with a dear friend. She told me about a conversation she had many years ago with a group of single girls: each of them chose a word that described the kind of partner they would want. One said "a clown," another wanted more of "a coworker," and my friend was hoping for "a constant companion." I thought about it for just a moment and knew what I would ask for: "a teammate." I am crazy active and I love to play, plus my love language is primarily quality time, so I want someone I can do lots of cool stuff with. Basically, I want a best friend. Of course, most importantly I want our relationship to glorify God, but I think that will happen when we are who God made us to be, individually and as a couple. So I expect that we'll have many things in common, from our backgrounds, to our personalities, to the activities we enjoy, to our passions, to our hopes and dreams for the future...

Details will follow.