Enough Already!

It’s Thursday, February 17, the day after my birthday. When I arrive at Fleet Feet for my training run, I get out of the car and smell hot metal. It’s a familiar smell to me, and very troubling, because the last time I smelled this I ended up having to spend more than $1000 for brake pads, a caliper, a bearing, etc.… I tell Derek about it later that night, and we agree that we can’t take my car on our trip home for the weekend as planned. The following week, I take the car in to have it checked out. They find that I have no brake pads left, which explains the metal-on-metal smell but not why the new pads I’d gotten a year-and-a-half earlier would be gone already. After they replace those, they discover that, once again, my caliper (though probably the one on the other wheel) is sticking and needs to be replaced. I get my car back on Thursday, February 24. It kind of stinks that we have to use $717.60 for car repairs that we were planning to put on a credit card, but it’s not the end of the world.

A few hours later, I get a call from Derek. He’s been in a car accident. He’s o.k., but he can’t tell me more yet because he has to go talk to the police officer who arrived at the scene a few minutes after the crash. Later I learn that a woman in an oncoming car ran a red light and hit the front end of Derek’s car. Again, he’s fine, and the car doesn’t look too bad, but I’m freaking out because we just spent all that money on my car and I know how expensive collision repairs can be. He takes Friday off work to figure things out with his car and our insurance, and we receive some good news: the estimate for his repairs are only $780.10, much less than the $2500 estimate I received when I hit a guard rail a year or two ago. Still, it’s a lot of money, but nothing we can’t handle. It’ll just push our get-out-of-debt plan back a month.

On Saturday, February 19, I take my computer to a repair guy I’ve worked with before to find out what’s wrong with my DVD drive. It hasn’t been working for a while, not recognizing any discs I put in, and when I bought and tried a new drive that didn’t work either. So I’m hopeful that Matt at Midwest Protech can help. When I arrive, he opens up my computer and it won’t start up. It says there’s a problem with the hard drive and it starts trying to repair itself. Of course, that can also make it destroy what’s left of the hard drive, so he stops it. He tries a few things and concludes that my hard drive has died. Thirty minutes earlier, the computer was working fine for me, apart from the DVD drive, so I’m kind of in shock. Fabulous, another unexpected expense. I manage to hold the tears in until I get back to my car, at which point I start bawling. I call Derek, and we decide that I need to go computer shopping. Sure, I could use his computer for work for a while, but his machine is also four years old and not sounding very good. Fortunately, I find a great sale price on a new laptop and pick it up later that night. On Sunday, I drive it out to Matt, along with a new external hard drive, so that he can move everything from the old computer onto both the new machine and the backup hard drive. It costs $531.94 for the new computer and hard drive, plus $117.52 for Matt’s services, plus $79.95 for MS Office (since we couldn’t get that off the old computer for some reason and I can’t find my original install disc), for a grand total of $729.41. What’s up with all the $700 emergencies? But they come in three’s, right? So we should be done now.

Fortunately, once I get the new computer back with its working DVD drive, I can finally install TurboTax and get started on our 2009 return (the very thing that prompted all of this in the first place). On Tuesday, March 1, I quickly input all the data and discover that, rather than receiving a $1000+ refund like we did last year and were counting on again, we actually OWE $1019 for federal and state taxes. What?!? I still need to check all the figures, but I’m pretty sure it’s right. See, Derek changed his W-2 to “married” after we got married, so apparently they haven’t been taking out as much as the previous year or as much as they should have been. Yeah, this is all starting to get pretty old right about now. I ponder 1 Cor. 4:8-9 – “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” It does bring a bit of comfort, because I know that God has always and will always provide for us. But it doesn’t make it any more fun.

And finally – for now… – I take my cat to the vet yesterday, Wednesday March 2, to find out why she’s not eating well and throwing up more. We suspect her kidneys are failing, but that wasn’t entirely clear from her last batch of tests a few months ago. I wonder if perhaps she has more tooth decay, making it painful for her to chew. Well, the vet sees a little redness in her mouth, but doesn’t think it’d be bad enough to make it hard for her to chew. She suggests we run the blood and urine tests again, as well as take a couple of x-rays. I reluctantly agree, as this all costs $286.02, which we obviously don’t have at the moment, but I have to take care of my baby and find out what’s wrong. The blood tests show that certain levels that indicate kidney failure are a little higher than last time, but they’re still not terrible. The x-ray, on the other hand, reveals a mass in her chest, near her lymph nodes, which is most likely lymphoma (cancer). In order to find out for sure, we’d have to pay another $300 for an ultrasound, but we don’t see much sense in that since we wouldn’t pursue chemotherapy anyway. I’m actually really glad we paid for the x-rays, though, because at least now I know that there IS something wrong with her and that we can’t really do anything about it. So we’ll just wait till she stops eating, or starts coughing or throwing up more, or in any other way appears to be uncomfortable or in pain, and then we’ll say goodbye. It won’t be easy, but she’s had a good long life. She’s been with me through it all, and I’ve enjoyed her immensely over the last 12 years. For now, I’m just going to make the most of the time we have left and pray for peace for us both as her time comes to a close.

So… yeah. We were thinking we’d have all the credit cards paid off by this summer, but $3500+ of unexpected expenses in the matter of a week will likely push that back to the fall. Still, we’re o.k. We’ll make it, it’ll just take a little longer. Plus, we get some more practice in trusting God, which is always good, and we’ve been blessed immensely by the love and generosity of our dear brothers and sisters in Christ who have come alongside to support us through all of this. God is indeed good, all the time.

God's Wisdom

My devotional today led me to 1 Cor. 1:18-31, which contrasts the wisdom of the world and of God. Actually, the world often considers God's wisdom to be foolishness, but for us who believe there is power in the "foolishness" of the cross. What struck me most from this passage wasn't really what the devotional was talking about (which was also good, though), but just about the way God chose to save his children. "Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God" (1 Cor. 1:22-24). The message of Christ is so simple in some ways, but, in part due to its simplicity, it is also very hard for people to accept sometimes. "All I have to do to be saved is just believe?" Yep, pretty much!

But if the gospel is such a stumbling block, why would God choose this method? Wouldn't a message of works rather than grace be easier to swallow? That's how we might have packaged salvation if we were in charge. But "'my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'" (Isaiah 55:8-9). Ah, yes... And since we can never earn salvation in our imperfection, God found a better way: "He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus . . ." (1 Cor. 28-30, italics added). Just when I start to feel superior somehow for recognizing the wisdom of God rather than stumbling over it, he reminds me that I'm only his because he chose me to believe (Eph. 1:4-6). (Which is a whole other discussion...) But suffice it to say that today, I'm just thanking my God for his incomprehensible grace and his infinite wisdom.

Acts 15

So, apparently, some men were teaching that believers had to be circumcised in order to be saved, which upset Paul and Barnabas. After a heated debate about the issue, it was decided that a few of the believers, including Paul and Barnabas, should go to Jerusalem to discuss the matter with the apostles and elders there. Then it sounds like, as they were describing everything God had done through them among the Gentiles, some Pharisees also brought up the issue of circumcision and the law of Moses. Again, they began debating. Then Peter stood up and reminded everyone that when God had sent him to share the gospel with the Gentiles, He gave them the Holy Spirit too, making no distinction between the Jews and Gentiles. I like verses 10 and 11 of his argument: "Now, therefore, why are you putting God to the test by placing a yoke on the neck of the disciples that neither our fathers nor we have been able to bear? But we believe that we will be saved through the grace of the Lord Jesus, just as they will." Exactly! Why were they pushing the law onto the new Gentile believers when they themselves could not keep the law nor be saved by it?

After Paul and Barnabas described the signs and wonders God had done through them among the Gentiles, James spoke up. His verdict was that they shouldn't trouble the Gentile believers with circumcision, but should write and remind them to keep these four laws: to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals, and from blood. So they sent Judas (Barsabbas) and Silas with Paul and Barnabas to deliver a letter with that information. And the people received the letter with rejoicing because of its encouragement.

My thoughts/questions on this chapter: first, why did they decide that these four laws were the only ones the Gentiles needed to keep? Why were they considered more important than the myriad other Old Testament laws? It seems like maybe they realized that circumcision was more cultural than critical to the Christian faith, since God had given the Holy Spirit to the uncircumcised Gentiles as well. But how did they choose which other laws could be dismissed for the Gentiles? And similarly, how do WE discern which Old Testament laws are still relevant and critical for us today (a question I've often pondered and have also blogged about in the past)? And finally, this all just makes me think about how much of the practice of our faith is cultural rather than Biblical. Yet I'm pretty sure that missionaries have often imposed their own cultural Christian practices upon their converts. Just a good reminder that when we go and share the gospel in other countries and among other peoples, we'd better be careful not to push our culture on them in the process of helping them live out their new faith.

Acts 14

In the first few verses, it talks about how Paul and Barnabas were preaching in Iconium when both Gentiles and Jews plotted to "mistreat" them. (I wonder if they were plotting together or if both groups were plotting independently?) So, they fled to Lystra, but "continued to preach the gospel" (Acts 14:7). Such a testimony to the conviction with which they believed their own message, that it was worth risking their lives for!

In Lystra, Paul healed a crippled man and the people of the city thought they must be gods come down in human form. They tried making sacrifices to Paul and Barnabas, even when they swore that they, too, were only men. Their message was clear: "we bring you good news, that you should turn from these vain things to a living God, who made the heaven and the earth and the sea and all that is in them" (Acts 14:15). They went on to say that in the past God let them go their own way, but he never left himself without witness: he gave them rains and fruitful harvests to satisfy their hearts. Just makes me think about all the good gifts God has given me and how often I take them for granted, treasuring the gifts above the Giver. And I wonder what "vain things" I'm chasing after now instead of pursuing my God wholeheartedly...

They traveled a bit more, "strengthening the souls of the disciples [and] encouraging them to continue in the faith" (Acts 14:22), and eventually made it back to Antioch, "where they had been commended to the grace of God for the work that they had fulfilled" (Acts 14:26). They reported what God had done through them and spent some time with the disciples there. It must have been so nice for them to be "home" with the disciples there and share all they had seen!

Acts 13

I've read this chapter several times already, but tonight I actually took the time to record some thoughts on it afterward. I'm thinking there must be something really good in here for me since I've read it 3 or 4 times now... :-)

When I first read verses 2 and 3, I felt a little jealous of the way the Holy Spirit actually spoke aloud and called Saul and Barnabas to his work. "Why can't I hear the Holy Spirit so clearly?" I wondered. But upon reading it again, I noticed that the call was in fact rather vague: "Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them" (Acts 13:2). What work is that? Or had he previously outlined it more specifically? I'm guessing not, because this doesn't sound too different from the call Abraham received centuries (millenia?) before: "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you . . ." (Gen. 12:1-3). It seems God often wants us to follow him without knowing all the details, though I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe we can't handle all the specifics right away, maybe he wants to know we have faith in his leading, maybe... Regardless, it's somewhat reassuring to know I'm not the only one who's a little fuzzy on the details of where God wants me to go.

In verses 6-12, Saul/Paul and Barnabas come across a certain false prophet magician who was hanging around an intelligent proconsul. The proconsul summons Saul/Paul and Barnabas because he wants to hear the word of God, but of course the magician opposes them, wanting to turn the proconsul away from the faith. Then Paul, filled with the Holy Spirit, says, "You son of the devil, you enemy of all righteousness, full of all deceit and villainy, will you not stop making crooked the straight paths of the Lord?" (Acts 13:10). He also makes him blind, and the proconsul believes when he sees all of this. How long had it been since Saul himself had been persecuting Christians? And yet here he is speaking with such power and authority. And again in verses 16-41, Paul speaks out in a/the synagogue in Antioch, summarizing God's work from their forefathers' exodus from Egypt all the way through Jesus' resurrection. I love these verses: "And we bring you the good news that what God promised to the fathers, this he has fulfilled to us their children by raising Jesus" (Acts 13:32-33). Once again, we see someone starting from what his listeners know and understand and explaining how it all leads to Jesus. Beautiful, powerful. And the people wanted more: "As they went out, the people begged that these things might be told them the next Sabbath. . . . [and] the next Sabbath almost the whole city gathered to hear the word of the Lord." (Acts 13:42, 44). But of course the Jews were jealous and set out to discredit Paul. He and Barnabas thus fulfilled the scriptures, speaking the word of God first to the Jews, but then turned to share the good news with the Gentiles instead (Acts 13:45-49).

It kind of amazes me, too, how confidently Paul speaks out in these two instances. I mean, he had so vehemently persecuted the believers before his conversion, and yet now he preaches with no fear or shame. I often feel unworthy to speak for Christ, and my past isn't nearly as blemished as Paul's (if we can measure or compare sin, which I suppose we can't really). Why does guilt so often linger long after forgiveness comes? Oh, how I long for the confidence Paul displays here!

So, the two lessons I take from this chapter: I want to know and understand and hear and trust the Holy Spirit more. I think that is probably also the key to confidence in Christ. And I want to know and understand and love and use the Scriptures more.

Yep, good stuff.

Acts 12

This chapter opens with Herod killing James the brother of John and then imprisoning Peter. The church prayed earnestly for him, and miraculously he escaped one night with the aid of an angel. Sounds a bit too incredible to be real, right? I don't know, we see lots of miracles in the Scriptures. Too bad God doesn't move like that today, eh?

But actually, this account sounds a lot like the stories of Brother Yun, an intensely persecuted Chinese house church leader, as recorded in his autobiography The Heavenly Man. (If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.) It reminds me that God is alive and active in our world today, as much as he was in the days of the early church. True, in this country we don't often see God working in such miraculous ways, but I think that's mostly because we don't need or expect him to.

Tonight, I'm praising God for his power and his passion for his people. And I'm praying that I would learn to truly believe and trust him to work miraculously in my life.

Acts 11

In the beginning of this chapter, Peter is being criticized for interacting with uncircumcized men, so he recounts the vision he'd had (in chapter 10) and how the Lord led him to share the Good News with the Gentiles. After they heard the Good News, many believed and received the Holy Spirit, which surprised the Jews. At the end of his explanation, Peter reasons: "If then God gave the same gift to them as he gave to us when we believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, who was I that I could stand in God's way?" (Acts 11:17). That pretty much silenced all the grumbling, and everyone glorified God.

Exactly: If God decides to work in a certain way, however surprising we may find it, who are we to stand in the way of that? Beautiful.

Acts 10

This is kind of a hard chapter for me. I mean, it's pretty awesome how God spoke to both Peter and Cornelius to get them ready to meet and learn from one another, but I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of the Jews here, and it's tough. All their lives they've been told they can't associate with non-Jews, and then all of a sudden that changes? And so then I'm thinking about all the other ways people today claim that God's Word no longer applies to us: like how women can preach now, and homosexuality is o.k., and divorce is just a part of life. And it's such a struggle for me to justify why I believe that some of God's laws no longer apply while other do.

In this chapter, God clearly announces a change. With other issues, I think God's plan and desire clearly has NOT changed, even if our culture has, and those are the hardest things to discuss with non-believers or even believers who hold a different viewpoint on a very controversial topic. And then there are those areas where I'm just not sure what I think God wants us to do with His Word today.

In Acts 10:34-43, Peter shares the Good News with the Gentiles. He says: "God shows no partiality, but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what it right is acceptable to him." This is a good reminder that while God welcomes believers from every background, he still requires that we all "do what is right." We all come to him as sinners, but if our faith is real and we are truly seeking after Him, He will change us.

I guess right now I'm just praying that the Holy Spirit would to help me better understand God's Word and how it applies to our lives in our world today.

Acts 9

To me, this chapter is all about transformation: first we're told of Saul's conversion, and then the healing of paralyzed Aeneas, and finally Tabitha/Dorcas being restored to life. They're all very different accounts, but the main idea is the same: God changes us. He redirects our focus, He uses us for his glory, He heals us, He restores to us life itself when all hope seems lost.

God is good.

I have my own stories of transformation, too. I once was lost, searching aimlessly for an elusive, earthly acceptance. But God met me where I was and poured out his love on me, offering grace and forgiveness and a joy I'd not known before that. I was abandoned by someone who was supposed to love me, left alone, confused, and feeling hopeless. But God picked me up and surrounded me with brothers and sisters whose love and friendship carried me through a very dark time.

Yes, God is good.

In other ways, though, I still look forward to His transforming power in my life. I don't know if He'll ever free me from sins I still struggle with. I don't know when He'll heal the last, lingering wounds from my past. I don't know how He'll strengthen my faith, my marriage, my passion, my purpose. But I know that He is the only one who can.

Indeed, God is good!

Acts 8

At the start of this chapter, we see that the early Christians were being persecuted, so I guess they fled. At least, that's what I assume "they were scattered" means. But did this mean defeat for those early believers? Did the enemy triumph that day? Absolutely not! God used what was intended for evil to bring about good in this situation, as he so often does: "Now those who were scattered went about preaching the word" (Acts 8:4). Rather than squelching the spread of the Good News, this persecution promoted it. You know, I sometimes think we need a little more persecution in our Christian lives. In this country anyway, it's easy to get comfortable in our private, personal faith, forgetting those who have yet to hear the name or offer of Jesus Christ. Persecution changes that: it forces people to choose passion for their living God, if that's the choice they make. But hot or cold, persecution leaves no room for lukewarm. I'm not sure I really want to pray for persecution in my own life, but I do pray for passion at any cost.

Later in the chapter, the Lord arranges a divine meeting between Philip and a court official for the queen of Ehiopia. Philip hears the eunuch reading from the prophet Isaiah and asks him if he knows what it means. "And he said, 'How can I, unless someone guides me?' And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him" (Acts 8:31). Now, this guy was obviously hungry for God. He was searching the Scriptures and actively pursuing truth, so naturally Philip told him the good news about Jesus. I like to think that if I were in Philip's shoes I could do the same thing. But what about the others we encounter in this life who are maybe searching in the wrong place, or maybe don't even know where to begin their search for truth? Or what about those people who are lost but don't realize it, or who are so lost they've lost the hope to be found? Can we, like Philip, meet them where they are? Can we also explain how Jesus alone can meet their every need? I wish I were better at recognizing and explaining what I know to be the only solution to all of life's problems: Jesus. Praying for the Spirit's guidance tonight, and the boldness to speak truth when the opportunity arises.